Lao Vision Magazine - Summer 2003

Anonymous

When it comes to making life decisions, who has the most influence? Ourselves, our peers, parents, or the Lao community?

When we were younger, most of our decisions were made by our parents with their best intentions or by the influences of the Lao community. They decided who our friends should be, what school programs we should be involved in, what we should or should not wear, how we should talk and present ourselves, etc. Our lives were controlled by our parents and the Lao community. Why the Lao community, you ask? Well, for one, when the community speaks, our parents listen, regardless of whether what is said is factual or fiction. Hence, Lao youth were constantly under some control by their parents and community. Later, we decide we will make our own decisions based on our own needs and desires. So we think.

Now that we are older, do our parents and the community still influence our decisions? Maybe more than we want to admit. Regardless of where we were raised or how educated we have become, our parents and the community still influence our decision making. So it should be no surprise how such strong influences affect our marital status and even the wedding planning! Fortunately, we do have our choice of who to marry. Thank Buddha, our parents are no longer arranging marriages. Certainly, they encourage some suitors and discourage others. When we reached the marriageable age (whenever that is), we are constantly encouraged to get married both by our parents and the community, especially if we are dating. Once the community finds out we are dating someone, there is no more secrets, our parents will certainly know about it. Our parents will start asking questions and making comments such as, "You better not make us lose face in the community or we will disown you." Everywhere we walk, every turn we took, questions are popping up left and right. "When are you getting married? Where is the wedding? When is the baby due? Don't forget to invite me." We wonder why they do not ask questions like "How did you meet? How long have you been dating? What is s/he like?"

We want to scream and yell, "Why do people care? What business is this of theirs? Why do we even care?" Because our parents do, therefore we do too. Just because we are dating someone, that doesn't mean that we will marry that person. To some of us, because we have acculturated into Western society and may have attained high levels of academic and professional success, we might not view marriage as an essential part of life. But yet, we are drawn to the idea of marriage and family through our parents and the community. Why is that? When the community talks, our parents listen. When our parents talk, we listen and before we know it, invitations are out and we are married sooner than expected, for better or worse.